Neil Perry Forever

Good grief, it's been a minute! I really should start writing here again. I read my previous entries and I was actually quite surprised at them. Only because they're... pretty interesting. I don't remember thinking all these thoughts and I should really stop thinking so little of myself. That's why writing here is very crucial for my psyche, I think.

So here's something that just popped into my mind: this still from the movie Dead Poets Society.

I thought about how I really liked this movie because the way It represented freedom. Now, I'm not sure how to put it into words without romanticizing suicide -- that's the least thing I want to do. Neil loved the theatre but his dad wasn't supportive of it -- you know, the typical toxic masculinity behavior. So he performed one last time, wore his crown and shot himself with a gun. It definitely is an ironic and macabre way of freedom -- but there's something melancholy about it that draws me to it. The way the gun is wrapped in the picture, insinuating how delicate he is with an object so destructive, almost seems like he's scared and unsure about It.

In the end, he would rather die than suffer through life while being denied of his true self. It goes without saying how many other Neil Perry's out there in real life. Then, here I am, cruising through life, taking it for granted -- holding back because I'm blinded by fear. Perhaps that picture speaks to me not because of Neil Perry's tragic ending -- but because of his bravery to take what was truly his and embraced it til the end. I suppose, the picture is a symbol of the in-between moment; which way are you gonna go now? Despite the hardships you face -- would you be Neil Perry? Or would you live on and make him proud?